Inspiration

To forgive, in a literal sense, means to ‘give away completely’.

The dictionary definition is:

The definition I like to use is that: Forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, including yourself, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

.Learning to forgive has been linked to the following:

• Improved cardiovascular functioning

• Improved lung function

• Improved functioning of nervous system

• Improved functioning of immune system

• Lower blood pressure

• Lower heart rate

• Less muscle tension

As well as physical benefits forgiveness can give us:

• Increased hope, caring, trust, happiness, gratitude and faith.

• Increased ability of love again.

• Sense of freedom from the past, our pain and the ones who have hurt us.

• Relief of an emotional burden

Sometimes we may resist even the idea of Forgiveness, as we have a sense that what has been done is ‘too terrible’ to forgive.

Although, there is no doubt, that the forgiveness process can take a long time and be a very difficult to process there is nothing per se that is impossible to forgive. There are humbling examples in all corners of the globe of people finding peace and healing through Forgiveness in the most extraordinary of situations e.g murder of a child, rape, situations of genocide, betrayal, terrorism etc.

It is important to remember we Forgive often when the burden of carrying the pain, rage, and desire for revenge is too heavy a burden to carry. We do not Forgive for the other person, we do it to heal ourselves and be free.

Forgiveness is the eventual release of feelings of resentment, rage, and desire for revenge towards someone who has harmed you, for your own freedom, wellbeing, and peace.

Forgiving someone can take place even if the person forgiven has not been told. It can be a private act and decision.

Forgiveness can take place even when the other person has not apologised.

Forgiveness is a personal choice.

Forgiveness is a personal process.

Forgiveness is not forgetting, condoning or excusing behaviours.

Forgiveness does not mean that you have to reconcile with the other person.

Forgiveness does not excuse the other person from justice or legal accountability.

Forgiveness should not be used as an excuse to stay in an abusive situation.

Forgiveness should not be used a means of self-harming.

In order for Forgiveness to help us to heal from something that has happened to us, it needs to take place in the ‘right’ conditions. The ‘right’ conditions are where you are safe, and not in a situation of on-going abuse and trauma. A way of thinking about it is if you had a wound on your arm, it would not be able to heal if you don’t protect it, and keep re-injuring yourself in the same place. Healing takes time, and you need energy, space to integrate what you are learning, and safety. If you forgive someone whilst they are abusing you, you are using it inappropriately. Forgiveness should never be used as an excuse for self harm or self abuse.

 

Many people find a genuine apology can significantly help their ability to Forgive someone, however, in many situations an apology will not be forthcoming: We may not know who the ‘perpetrator’ is, they may be dead, or they simply may not feel any guilt or remorse and never will. In these cases, holding onto rage and bitterness because we haven’t received an apology is hurting ourselves (as holding anger is not healthy), and is giving the power over our wellbeing to those who have already hurt us. Therefore many people choose Forgiveness without any acknowledgement, apology or remorse ever received. Forgiveness doesn not mean that we have to reconcile with someone.

Anger is very important in the early stages of recovering from having experienced hurt, as it serves not only to protect us but also to empower us. Feeling anger, in this stage, is healthy and necessary (although there are many non-healthy ways of expressing it). As time goes on, once the anger has served it’s purpose, it is important not to hold on to it, or keep feeding it with our thoughts, as doing so can lead to health problems, and bitterness can taint all relationships. Forgiveness is a powerful and proven process for releasing enduring resentments, leaving instead a sense of freedom from the past and release. The reason people may choose to ‘hold on’ even to their own detriment, is usually fuelled by fear-e.g. of grief, of change, of getting hurt again, of opening the floodgates to other painful experiences, of being (perceived as) ‘weak’ etc.

If supporting someone to ‘let go’ of a grudge, we must first accept that forgiveness is a personal process and choice, requiring an on-going commitment. We can help them to see the costs of holding on to their resentments, and the benefits of ‘letting go’, we can be willing to really listen and acknowledge, if and when painful feelings do emerge in the re-telling of their story, we explain that forgiveness does not have to mean reconciliation, we can encourage empathy and offer new perspectives on the situation, and we can demonstrate how letting go is done in our own life-we can simply ‘be the change’.