It’s months, maybe even years since it happened, but you’re still so hurt by the abandonment you experienced, that you find yourself continually trying to make sense of it and process it.
You want to heal. You don’t want to constantly be obsessing and talking about the person who hurt you, to anyone who will listen, but you just can’t seem to stop, or keep it in.
Just when you think you’re starting to let go, you see a random post on facebook with the person who hurt you looking happy on a night out (or a night in thanks to COVID-19), and you’re right back into your pain.
You feel that clenching feeling in your stomach, you feel the rage erupting inside you, and your cheeks are hot with shame and humiliation.
How can they get away with this? Why have they even got any friends when they’ve turned your life upside down? Why can’t others see through their act? It’s all so unfair. Maybe there is something wrong with you? And it goes on. The emotional turmoil. The rage. The self doubt. And the painful story-telling.
There are three big problems with the story you are telling yourself, and everyone else, about what has happened:
Firstly, the story you are telling could be taken straight out of the latest Netflix hit drama series – it was utterly compelling for the first and maybe second series, but by season 8 it’s tired and lacking in surprises. The people who love you and care for you can only hear the same story so many times without feeling helpless, and let’s face it bored. You are pushing away your favourite people – they love you, they are there for you, but you are not seeing them you are not available for them.
The second big problem, is every time you tell this story you are putting them, the villain of your tale, in the lead role in your life, and you are de-moting yourself to a supporting cast member, a victim of their actions – an extra in your own life story!
Thirdly, repeatedly telling the same story, and confirming your victim status, is hurting you. It is not helping you to heal or process your feelings. Your thoughts and your words are actually causing you to feel pain, to feel rage, and to feel powerless. Instead of healing you are re-opening the wound and adding your own pinch of salt.
The three gifts to yourself:
To begin the healing process there are three gifts you can give to yourself, which everyone who loves you in your life will thank you for, that will start to move you towards healing your self and re-claiming the power of wonder-full, heart-centred you.
Gift One: Give thanks for all that is good in your life
Set a timer for five minutes soon after you wake up in the morning. Close your eyes, and for those few minutes think of as many things in your life as you can that are good, and say thank you for them: Things that support you and that you love. All the things you are able to do and to enjoy. All the possibilities and freedoms you have, and all the beauty that surrounds you. Throughout the day, tell the people you love you that you appreciate them, and notice all the blessings, no matter how small, that are given to you, often without you having to ask. This simple practice, will begin the healing process of your heart, and start to thaw any of the feelings that are frozen there.
Gift Two:Put yourself back in the centre of your life story
When you find yourself going back into your painful story. Stop. Bring your attention back to you, in your body, in this moment. Breathe. Remember who you are, and remind yourself that you are bigger than your pain. Remember what you’ve accomplished, what is important to you and the goals you still want to achieve in your future. To help you to anchor back into your life, create a sacred space in your room which has pictures, quotes, objects, affirmations, this will form a visual and constant reminder to you of who you really are, and what you are capable of, and that you are at the centre of your life journey – no one else.
Gift Three: Re-claim and contain your painful story
Gather the pieces of your painful story, which have been spoken out back to you. Write down your story. Set aside some time, and write. Write everything. Don’t censor yourself. Write out all that you can remember that has happened, and how you’ve felt about it, and how you feel about it now. When you have written everything, fold up your story and place it within your sacred space. In this way, what has happened to you becomes part of your life story, part of your journey, something to be honoured, cherished, not forgotten, and not lost: Present, but contained in it’s place-to be re-visited if you chose, but not something that can over-take you, ever again, without your permission.
You are bigger than you painful story, and there are so many chapters left to write.